Fun with FAQ’s – The Hotel Cafe in Hollywood

I was doing a little websurfing today when I stumbled across LA’s Hotel Cafe website. Hotel Cafe is a performance venue in Hollywood that’s been listed on Paste Magazine’s Top 40 music venues. Anyway, any music lover will find a chuckle in their FAQ. It reads like the script for “High Fidelity“.

These are some frequently asked questions, and some frequently given answers to go along:

Q: Can I ask you a question?
A: Yes.

Q: So, where is The Hotel Café?
A: 1623 1/2 N. Cahuenga Blvd. In Hollywood. 1/2 a block south of Hollywood Blvd on the West side of the street.

Q: What time do you open?
A: 7pm. Sometimes earlier, depending on showtime. Check calendar.

Q: Is The Hotel Café still an all ages venue?
A: No. We are now 21+.

Q: Since you’re not an all ages venue anymore, should i call or email to ask if the show is all ages?
A: No.

Q: But i have a friend that will be 21 in two weeks.
A: No.

Q: Do you serve food?
A: Yes.

Q: Do you take credit cards?
A: Yes.

Q: Do you take reservations?
A: No.

Q: Do you pre-sell tickets to shows?
A: Sometimes, will be noted on the calendar.

Q: If a show on the calendar doesn’t have “Tickets Available HERE” or something similar next to it, should I call, email, or come by the hotel cafe to get tickets for a show that is 3 weeks away?
A: No.

Q: If a show says SOLD OUT next to it, does that mean I shoud email or come by to ask how to buy tickets?
A: No.

Q: If I send you a package, can i use Fed Ex or UPS?
A: No.

Q: Regular mail?
A: Yes.

Q: Where can I park when I come to The Hotel Café?
A: Paid parking is available in 2 fairly convenient lots. One just behind the Hotel Cafe and 1 about a ½ block North on the same side of the street. Other lots in the neighborhood are available. Follow signs that say “Parking”. Street Parking is also available, but limited.

Q: I’m playing tonight, where do I park?
A: See above.

Q: I’m playing tonight, where do I load in?
A: Load in through the back door in the alley.

Q: I am playing tonight, can my guest list be 50 people?
A: No.

Q: 30 people?
A: No.

Q: 10?
A: Maybe.

Q: 7?
A: Yes.

Q: I’m not on the list, but I am *insert industry related job title here*, can I get in for free?
A: No.

Q: What if I give you my card?
A: No.

Q: It’s a nice card…
A: Yes it is.

Q: It’s got rounded edges…
A: Yes, I see… Very impressive…

Q: So, how about it then?
A: No.

Q: Can I bring in my own beer or wine?
A: No.

Q: What kind of beer do you have?
A: A Bunch…

Q: What kind of reds do you have?
A: A Bunch…

Q: Whites?
A: Yes..

Q: Can I get a Vodka Cranberry then?
A: YES. Yes you can.

Q: Can I book bands for you?
A: No.

Q: Is this thing on?
A: Yes.

Q: Is the plexi-glass around the soundboard bullet proof?
A: No.

Q: So, I do this comedy act…
A: No.

Q: Abrah Cadab…
A: No.

Q: Do you have a problem with comedians or magicians?
A: No.

Q: I see on the calendar that you have a few TBAs. Can I have the one on the 15th?
A: No.

Q: The one on the 23rd?
A: No.

Q: Any of them?
A: No.

Q: So, I am from Saskatoon Dink, Canada, and I don’t know anyone in LA, and no one knows me. Can I have a headlining spot at The Hotel Cafe?
A: No.

Q: Can I have a residency?
A: No.

Q: Please?
A: No.

Q: Can I play with a Marshall Half Stack?
A: No.

Q: What if I turn it down?
A: No.

Q: But it doesn’t sound right unless it’s really loud.
A: No.

Q: Do you have a piano?
A: Yes.

Q: Is the piano tuned?
A: No.

Q: Do you have an extra 9 volt battery?
A: No.

Q: Can I shoot a movie at The Hotel Cafe?
A: Yes. Click HERE for more info..

Q: Can I smoke in The Hotel Café?
A: No.

Q: Is this The Burgundy Room?
A: No.

Q: Is this The Room?
A: No.

Q: Do you rent rooms by the week?
A: No.

Q: Can I rent a room?
A: No.

Q: Is this even a Hotel?
A: No.

Q: Can you give my CD to Nic Harcourt?
A: No.

Q: Can I have Gary Jules’ phone number?
A: No.

Q: Is Max or Marko here?
A: They might be.

Q: I don’t have a demo, but I’m really good, can you book me?
A: No.

Q: I can play a little right now, sort of an audition…
A: No.

Q: Do you have an open mic night?
A: No.

Q: You should.
A: No.

Q: I am a music reviewer for an online magazine you’ve never heard of. We get 150 unique hits per day… I don’t have a business card, but I would appreciate being on the “House List” every night to photo-review acts that preform at…
A: No.

Q: But I have a camera.
A: So do I.

Q: Do you allow fliming in the Hotel Cafe?
A: Not any more…

Q: Why?
A: Because Youtube video quality sucks… and 30 people holding their damn cell phones in the air blocking everyone elses view of the stage is somewhat annoying…

Q: But i work for *insert pop culture-content whoring giant coorporation here* and we’d be sure to…
A: No…

Q: That seems harsh…
A: That’s not a question.

Q: I run an online music site you’ve never heard of, and we believe your venue would benefit greatly from advertising on our site, which stresses the importance of DIY music. Our ad rates start at…
A: No.

Q: I am playing tonight, can my girlfriend and all of her friends drink for free?
A: No.

Q: I played tonight, and brought 3 people to see me. Do I get Paid?
A: No.

Q: Does this beer taste funny to you?
A: No.

Q: Is a Stella Artois glass smaller than a pint glass?
A: No.

Q: It looks smaller?
A: Yes it does.

Q: Why is that?
A: Physics.

Q: Can I have a job?
A: No.

Q: How about I just leave my resume?
A: No.

Q: What happened to the pool table?
A: It’s gone.

Q: Do you still have the open jazz jam?
A: No.

Q: Why?
A: Because no one in LA appreciates jazz.

Q: That’s sad.
A: Yes. Yes it is.